Saturday, August 6, 2011

Types of Riders

1.  "Real" riders don't stop for potty breaks.  OK, I get that.  They don't want to stop.  Sometimes there aren't bathrooms near by.  Get that too.  Here is what I don't get..."Real" riders just keep going ...while going.  Get that?  They don't stop.  They just go.  They go to the bathroom on their bike!!!!  Oh gross!  I will NEVER be a "real" rider.  I hope I never ride with a "real" rider. BTW - I don't personally know any "real" riders.

2.  "Red Riders" are riders that ride the Tour de Cure with diabetes.  So they are diagnosed diabetics that are riding.  Now if you don't know much about diabetes, here is a quick crash course.  Exercise causes your blood sugars to go down.  Low blood sugars are bad.  So, riding a bike long distance can be a challenge for diabetics.  Because of this, we are supposed to yell "Go Red Rider" when we pass them on a ride.

3.  Group riders are supposed to communicate.  They are supposed to say "passing on the left" or "car back" or "debris"  or "pothole".  Now this is a problem for me.  Remember that I can barely breathe while I am riding so this communicating thing is difficult.  Today, I should've yelled "debris" to the person behind me, but I couldn't remember the word.  All I could think of was "junk".  I'm hopeless.

4.  Serious riders can change their own tires.  They don't call AAA.  Really.  Today I saw a rider covered in grease from doing bike repairs.  Me?  I don't do maintenance.  I barely know where to find the wheel.  My last experience with chains was in 1973.  Haven't touched one since.  Don't plan on it either.  This is why I am married.  I call him.

5.  Recreational riders are like me.  I am a recreational rider.  I don't get my bike "wet".  I don't have to worry about my blood sugar.  I don't communicate.  I can't change a tire.  I just ride my bike and whine a little.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Well, this weekend is a new chapter in my biking adventure.  Tomorrow, we do our first group ride.  Now, I've never ridden in a group and I suspect that it must be really different.  So, I am very glad that there is going to be a class beforehand. It is called:  "How to Ride in a Group."  Clever, huh?

Good thing I'm not a super competitive person.  A competitive person would have to be the leader of the pack.  That would be a problem because I am not a fast rider (I hear your gasp of surprise).  In fact, if it weren't for the fact that being last could mean I am downwind from the group, I would probably be content to be last.  I like to lolly-gag while I ride.  I'm content to search for yard art.  Here is my current favorite:

Now, some of you might be asking a very good question...downwind?  I'm not talking about drafting (although I think I could REALLY like that).  I'm talking about the downwind that hunters talk about.  We are in Houston.  It is the driest, hottest summer on record.  Dry means no rain, dry does not mean no humidity.  That means people who are outside are sweating.  People who are outside exercising are sweating like pigs.  People who sweat like pigs, smell like pigs.  I'm not joking!  Now, are you imagining the peril of the situation?  That means that there is only one thing to do....well two.  I could stay home in bed OR I could put on my big girl panties, stop whining, and ride faster to escape the biking perfume.

The big question is... what will I do?  Maybe I'll go buy a case of deodorant.  Tune in tomorrow for more details.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I would rather ride 27 miles than....

I decided that I would put my whining into perspective.  I would rather ride 27 miles than...

1.  Run.  We have friends whose son just placed 2nd in a 50K run.  50K?  50K?  I know that I couldn't even run 1K!  I'm not even really sure how long 1K is!  (I did get a kick out of the name of the race "Big Butts".  How fun!)

2. Watch ANY of the "Friday the 13th" movies.  I don't even know how many there are now.  If you know, then you scare me.  I have NO desire to watch them.

3.  Work as a garbage collector.  In Houston today the heat index is predicted to be 110.  Can you imagine riding on the back of a garbage truck in that?  Talk about stinky!  Whew, it makes me gag to think of it.

4.  And speaking of gagging...I rather ride 27 miles than throw up all day long.  My record is 17 times in 12 hours.  My friends call me "The Queen of Vomit"  Once I start, it just won't stop.  I ride anywhere rather than do that again.

5.  Watch my dad and friends poke themselves 5 times a day to check their blood sugar and then give themselves shots.  It's time to find a cure.  Won't you please donate to Tour de Cure?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


So, announcing that you are riding 27 miles in a fundraiser gets some unusual responses.  Here are some of my favorites:

1.  Eyebrows raised with look of incredulation.  Then they suddenly realize that might be rude and try to change their expression (usually not quick enough).
2.  Laughter, out loud.  Then they stop the out loud part, but can't seem to stop the twitching of the lip.
3.  "Ok, so you will be going about 15 miles an hour, so it should take you about 2 hours.  That's not bad."  This was from a professional cyclist.  He obviously doesn't know me.  He doesn't know that I am allergic to exercise and that this whole experience is a lesson from God.  I think it's to teach me to pray more often.
4.  "Oh, piece of cake.  I know lots of people who ride the MS150."  I think:  well good for them,'re going to be sorry you said that when you are at my funeral!!!  The obituary will say, "Death by Bike".
5.   "Good for you!"  followed by a look at my fat and then that smug look.  You know, the one that says "I'm glad I don't have to do that.  I'm naturally skinny." or "Its about time she starting exercising."
6.  "Really, you? Why?"  (These tend to be the people who know me best.)
7.  "Wow, I can't ride a bike anymore.  I had a wreck once and now I'm scared to death of bikes.  You might get hit by a car!"  Gee, that is exactly what I wanted to hear.  That makes me feel sooo motivated.  Kinda makes me think of "The Christmas Story."  "You'll shoot your eye out. (in a sing-song voice)"
8.  "What were you thinking?  You're an intelligent woman!"  Now, this is the one that I relate to the most, because I really don't know what I was thinking.  I am still baffled.  I'm getting somewhat comfortable with 6 miles.  I did 12 once.  Nearly died.
September 24th, mark it your calendar.  It's the day I will die.  REALLY!

I guess at this point, I should post a disclaimer cause some of you are reading this and thinking, "Oh, no!  What did I do when she told me?"  So, here is my disclaimer.  None of these are exact quotes and I wasn't thinking of anyone particular person when I typed it (well except the professional, but he's not my friend.  He was just trying to sell me a bike.)

Saturday, July 30, 2011

A Day of Firsts

FIRST time I rode in the double digits.  My GPS said 11.22, dear hubby's GPS said 12.39.  Now we rode together the whole time, so obviously his is right and mine was wrong.  Somewhere I lost a mile.  For sure, I am going with HIS mileage and not mine.  I mean after all, the best policy is always honesty.

FIRST time I rode more than one hour.  Wow, even I am impressed!  My fat derriere sat on the tiny (anatomically correct) saddle for 1 hour, 9 minutes, and 31 seconds.  BELIEVE me!  EVERY single one of those seconds counts!!!

FIRST time I got a cramp.  For real.  It was in my hip when I put my foot down for a stop sign.  I yelped and pulled it back up in the riding position.  It finally went away but that sucker HURT.  I am slowly killing myself.  I started to have a moment of panic.  What if I can't ride home?  I will have to send Scot home to get the truck to come get me and I will be sitting here alongside the road (with my bike) and people will stare and the child in their car will ask "Why is that fat lady sitting instead of riding?"  and they will think I am being lazy.  When in reality, I would be hurt and in GREAT pain.  But, if I laid there writhing in pain, then people would stop and try to help me.  Boy, that would be embarrassing - all for a cramp.  All that went through my mind, and then I realized the cramp was gone.  Whew, crisis avoided.

FIRST time I ran out of water.  It is dog hot here in Houston.  One water holder may not be enough.  I may need to add another one.  Boy, wouldn't that make my bike look professional.  Of course, I still don't look professional (too fat).  Speaking of professional (maybe that is the wrong word, I mean they don't get paid, but they are way more than the recreational ride around the block type, and way more serious than me.) one passed us today.  How do I know he was professional?  He was riding at least twice as fast as us AND had enough breath to say "Good Morning"  (I used capitals, because it was quite cheery.)  Now, I was so breathless (it was around mile 10) that I couldn't even mutter under my breath, because I had no breath.  But, I thought ugly off.

FIRST time I went straight from the bike to the pool.  In my clothes.  There was NO WAY that I could peel a swim suit over my sweaty body, so I just went in with my biker shorts and shirt.  I figure that I saved my washing machine the trouble.  That is a good thing, right?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Stars Aligned

The stars aligned and the sun came up and I had no excuse for not riding with my husband.  The truly sad thing is that I can make all kinds of excuses for NOT riding.  And you know what?  They sound great in my head. They sound great when I am mumbling them from the bed.  They sound whiny when I repeat them later in the day.  This whole biking thing is forcing me to realize that there are some things about myself that I don't like.  I will list them for you:

1.  I am a whiner and sometimes I like it.
2.  My excuses are best mumbled into a pillow.  I need to get more creative
3.  My gluteous maximus ___________  (you can fill in the blank here...hurts, is big, etc).
4.  I am impulsive.  Remember? Signing up to ride 27 miles was totally an impulse. 
5.  I like air conditioning.  (I don't really hate that about myself, but it seemed to fit in the list).

But, I've also discovered some cool new things.  I will list them for you too:

1.  Lots of people have very interesting yard art.  When you are driving a car, you are going too fast to notice.  I always wondered who bought all those cement figures when I passed their lots.  Now I know.  They are my neighbors.  (BTW, just in case you are interested, angels are the most popular.)  Ooooh, maybe I'll start a cement yard art tally.  "Today was an 18 angel, 1 rabbit, 4 lion, and 2 turtle kind of day."  Would that interest anyone?
2.  Biker shorts are made to be worn without undergarments.  My first thought was "Really?  Oh no, I need all the padding I can get!"  But, since you can be on the bike for long amounts of time and undergarments can sometimes bunch and wad, it kinda makes sense.  In a gross kind of way.
3.  I found a new cool app for my iPhone that tells YOU when I ride.  Maybe, just maybe, it will inspire a few things.  I could feel accountable to you, my reading public, to actually exercise.  You might decide, if a fat mom can ride, you can too.  I might raise money that helps to find a cure for diabetes.  (Just imagine, my riding would put the research account just over the top and they would be able to Bam!, find a cure, and then they would want to recognize me...They would bring me up on a stage with my bike, and I would thank YOU, my loyal public, and then I would bow and look down and suddenly realize that I am on stage in biker shorts and no underwear under (of course) and be totally embarrassed that I am a fat biker mom on stage in front of everyone and it would be all YOUR fault for not encouraging me to ride more.)  See it???  A major motion picture in the works...

Friday, July 15, 2011

Mornings, blech

I am not a morning person.  Never have been, doubt I ever will be.  I really, really don't like mornings.  I feel slightly ill when I get up.  Especially in the morning. 

So, because of this my family has learned through the years to leave mommy alone when she is "pre-coffee".  In fact, if there were a motto at our house, it would be "Nothing happens pre-coffee".  I don't do mornings.  I don't do them well.  I prefer to not do them at all. 

Somehow, I married a morning person.  (God has a sense of humor doesn't he?)   I discovered this early in our relationship and after 20 years of marriage, I still don't get it!  Scot can wake up, pull on clothes, walk out the door whistling, and start mowing the yard within 3 minutes. When I get up, I am bleary eyed and unfocused.   I stumble into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and then I go sit on the couch and stare into space while breathing the steam of my coffee.  Occasionally, I take a sip.  Now you know the secret of our marriage:  He brews.  It is biblical - He brews. 

You may think I am exaggerating.  I'm not.  I don't do light, music, or sound.  I gag very easily and have been known to throw up - often.  I just don't do mornings.

So, here is my problem.  We live in Houston.  Hot, muggy, damp, steamy Houston.  So, for years Scot has been trying to get me up early to exercise.  Two reasons: one, it is somewhat cooler and two, that is when he exercises and he likes to be with me (isn't that sweet?).

I've tried it twice this week.  Both times I got up at 6:30 and went for a bike ride with him.  Good news, I did not throw up!  Bad news, I am soooo tired.  Does it negate your workout if you take a nap afterward?  This is really one of my biggest exercise struggles.  If I don't get up early and do it, it is less likely to happen AND it is hot - dang hot.  But, I hate mornings.

Here lies the problem...27 miles is looming up at me in about 70 days!!!  Oh, what have I done?  (Maybe I should rename by blog "Lamentations of a Fat Biker Mom.")

Anybody have any hints for how to overcome?

PS - If you google "fat biker mom", my blog comes up.  Cool, huh?

PPS - Someone needs to ask my husband how this equation works:
beans + bike shorts = six pack abs
It's his theory, not mine.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Bike Store

Well, I decided that since I have been riding more, I should splurge and purchase a new helmet.  So, we went to a bike store.  I was contemplating the helmet choices when the salesman came to help me.  (We named him Bob, I don't know his real name)  The conversation went something like this:
Bob:  Can I help you with anything?
Me:  Well, I think I need a new helmet, but I don't want to pay alot for it (Since helmets range from $29 to $200, I thought I better get that in quickly).
Bob:  I can help you with that.  How old is your helmet?
Me:  14 years old
Bob:  gulp (it was audible)  Umm, yes, you definitely need a new helmet.

Then he goes into how they are constructed and how the foam deteriorates over the years.  Me?  I just want a new helmet because the little Velcro pieces have come loose and my hair is getting stuck in the glue. 

Bob:  So, how to you ride?  on the road or on the trail?
Me:  Well, I really don't ride, but I somehow managed to sign up to ride 27 miles in September and so I am trying to train a little.
Bob:  gulp (again audibly, but eyes bulging now) 

So, then I am trying to justify why I am doing it, and trying to make myself seem a little skinnier and more fit.  I don't think that Bob was fooled.  I think he might have been a little scared for me.

I picked a new helmet, he helped me pick a new seat, and somehow I left 2 hours later with a NEW BIKE.  Not because Bob was an aggressive salesman, but because I started hearing about all the new technologies of bikes.  Really, my dear husband talked me into it.  I think he was afraid that people would laugh at us on the Tour de Cure. Something about bad paint jobs, Huffy brand, and cobwebs.

So, my new bike is blue with anatomically correct seat, ergonomic handlebars, a rack for a bag, fenders with mud flaps, stirrups for my feet, and a BELL!    And best of all, it was on clearance.  I named it Marley (because it was a clearance puppy...see Marley and Me if you don't get it).

Who knew that bikes could have so many cool accessories?  Who knew that they could be so light?  Who knew that you can change gears soundlessly?  Who knew that brakes aren't supposed to squeal?  Who knew that one bike can ride so smoothly?  Wow!

Do you know what this means?  I have to ride my bike now.  I have spent enough money that I am passed the point where this can just be a passing fancy.  I have to ride my bike now.  Somehow, I have to figure out how to make my body ride farther than 6.6 miles!!!

I wish I could learn to be a little less impulsive.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Next Step

So, my husband is really getting into this biking thing.  He has been getting up at 6:30am to ride.  That is WAY TOO EARLY for me, so I haven't been joining him.  He found out about this app for his phone that tells you how far and fast you rode and how many calories you burned.  So, he downloaded it and decided that I should download it too. 

I must admit it is cool.  My only problem is that I don't know where to put it.  Biking shorts have padding, but no pockets.  Biking shirts have pockets, but, dang they are expensive.  It will be cheaper to buy a holder for my iphone.  It attaches to my handlebars and then I can watch my progress. 

This app will also post my progress to facebook.  Hmmm....I'm thinking about doing that.  I read an article on the internet that says that people who post their workouts and are part of a workout "community" are more successful.  Now, I need success here.  Remember?  I signed up for 27 miles.  I have to ride that in one day!!!  Me, who is allergic to exercise (I get all red, sweaty, increased heart rate - that's an allergy, right?).  I honestly don't know what I was thinking the day I registered.  27 miles???  27 blocks is more my speed.

After all, I've been really trying to ride more in the last 2 weeks (I told you I'm behind on my blogs) and I haven't even totalled 27 miles yet and I've taken 4 rides.  Help!!!  Will y'all help me?  Will you hold me accountable, please????

PS. - The app is called iMapmyRide.  They also have map my run, map my walk, etc.  It is part of  Go and check it out.  Oh, and guess what my user name is.....fatbikermom!

Monday, July 11, 2011

A Truth Universally Rejected

The seat is probably the most important part of the bike.  Well, maybe that is untrue, because a seat all by itself, goes nowhere.  So, the wheels are probably the most important part of the bike.  But, on second thought, wheels all by them self fall over.... And I could go on all day.  Believe me I can rationalize just about anything.

So, maybe it would be more fair to say that the seat is the most important part of bike for comfort.  So, when I got back on my bike after my 2 month hiatus, a seat was an important consideration.  My bike advisor, Erik, gave me a choice of 3.  Now, I know exactly what I want.  I want, big comfy, and squishy.
Like this:

Big and fat, for a big fat tooshie, right?  Plus that I think that it looks pretty dang cool because it looks like a fly face.  But, Erik was insistent and wanted to prove something to me, so I smiled sweetly and said "ok".
So, he shows me a couple of choices. 

and then he tells me that the first one is "anatomically correct".  Really?  Really?  It is supposed to be more comfortable.  Right....

The second one should be more comfortable than my fat one because it is smaller.  Really?  Really?  This just can't be true.  I mean their has got to be a law of science that says fat and squishy = more comfortable.  Right?

So, just to be funny, I picked the "anatomically correct" seat.  Now, here is the point in my story where I have to tell you that I am just a little bit proud of myself, because there were ALL kinds of things that I could've said at that moment, but I refrained (I suggest that you do the same - take those thoughts captive!).  So, he installed the "AC" seat.  I'm thinking, it's ok, this is a short ride, we are only going a few blocks.  (At this point, you might want to read my previous post about the length of ride.)  Well, instead he drug me kicking and screaming for 5.12 miles and although I wanted to throw up and I was sweating like a pig, my rear end was surprisingly un-sore.  Now, how on earth could that work?  How could putting my big, fat, biker mom butt on a skinny saddle with a hole in the middle be more comfortable that my gel-filled fly face?  I DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER!  But, it is a truth universally rejected by the non-biking public. 

Small, skinny seats with a hole in the middle are more comfortable.  Go figure!

Back to my Bike

Well, the time since my last blog has been called "The Month of Mayhem that Jumped into June" and quite honestly....I haven't touched my bike since then.  Shameful isn't it?  But now my family and friends have conspired against me and have decided to be obnoxious and force me onto my bike.   Since, I love my friends and family, I have decided to be accommodating.  I smile and say, "as you wish" just like Wesley in The Princess Bride.  (And if you believe that, well, you need to protect your bank account because someone is going to sell you something, probably expensive.)  In all honesty, I was on my bike, but was not very accommodating.  I whined ALOT.  But, after all, I really did feel like I was going to throw up and then I really did want to know what happens when you vomit on a bike.  Does it go straight down and dribble off your leg?  Does it projectile out and splat in the road?  Does it stream behind you?  This is a very scientific question and one that I am sure that I will someday discover.  Since, I am the vomit queen, I'm betting on the fact that someday after thorough calculations,  I will report my findings.

Now on the plus side, I biked far longed than I thought I would.  When we started, I reminded everyone that we were going BLOCKS, not miles.  However, Erik, ignored me and kept going.  I very sweetly reminded him that we could turn right here and go back home.  I think he is deaf.  So, I just started whining more.  Then everyone went deaf.  I hate when I talk and nobody listens to me.  I think it is quite rude.  Anyway, we went 5.12 miles.  Then, I went home, got in the pool, cooled off,  and went to celebrate with Mexican food.  After all...I deserved it.  I tried to make Erik pay, but it didn't work.  Maybe he needs hearing aids?

Now, what did I learn on this VERY LONG  bike ride?
1.  My friends ignore me.
2.  People who drive by and see that you are struggling to keep up won't stop and pick you up even if they know you!  Thanks alot to Sam and the girls.
4.  If you are riding with someone else and they are carrying your water, it is good to have a bell that you can ring.  Then they can be like your "cabana boy." 
5.  It is very hard to do "SOS" on a bike bell.  Trust me, I tried. You can't differentiate between long and short.
6.  I found my Haloween costume for next year.  I'm going to "borrow" a real estate sign that says "I'm gorgeous inside" and hang it around my neck. (I'll be sure to post pictures.)

Monday, April 25, 2011

Week 2 of training

Well, week 1 was not so great.  After my disastrous ride, I never found time to get back on the bike.  Can I just list my excuses and get it over with?  homeschooling 5 kids, preparation for Easter, upcoming graduation, sick grandmother, car in shop, dinners, grocery shopping, and on and on...Ok, I am done now and I feel much better.  Thank you.

Now, for week 2.  I got up super early this morning and my first thought was coffee (it's my first thought every morning.  Nothing happens pre-coffee).  And in a moment of insanity and weekness I thought "I'll ride my bike to Starbucks."  Now, hear is the part I am proud of...I curbed my impulsivity.  Because then I thought "wait, I can't ride my bike pre-coffee.  I could never save myself from another imminent crash."  Plus that, my bike has no cup holder.  Now, at that moment my brain split and had two conversations at one time (please tell me that other people do this too).  One side of my brain said, "Now, why not?  Why can't bikes be more like cars?"  The other side said, "ooh...look at me...I'm being all mature and grown up and curbing my impulses.  This training thing is a good thing for me."

So, the remainder of today's blog will explore these thoughts.  First, why can't a bike be more like a car?  Here are the deficiencies in bikes:
1.  No cup holder.  Now, I know what some of you are thinking.  I'm not talking about that harness thing for a water bottle.  No, I want a genuine cup holder.  The kind that can hold a coffee or a coke with ice.
2.  No air conditioning.  I know that sometimes there is a breeze, but I need real air that cools you down when it takes away the humidity.
3.  Very uncomfortable seats.  No explanation needed.  If you are confused, go sit on your bike for about an hour.  If you are still confused, call your doctor, you may have some dread disease that doesn't allow for feeling in your gluteous maximus.
4.  No radio.  Now, I know some of you are yelling "ipod".  And yes, I agree that an ipod would fix the problem, but those of you that are yelling that must be those kind of people that PLAN things and remember to go and get your ipod.  Not me.  I just act on a whim and jump on my bike and take off. (Actually, doesn't that sound delightful...jump on my bike and take off....kinda like a vacation (which I need badly), but it's not as easy as it sounds.  Trust me, I know.  Read my previous posts.)
5.  No gas pedal.  (Truly, I am serious).  Sometimes, I get tired of pedaling.  I think I'd like to be able to just turn a key and oowie mama, I am off.
6.  Most importantly, bikes are not condusive to conversation.  Which is why I am writing this blog, because by the time I get home I'm behind on the amount of words that I need to say.  (Did you know that women have a NEED to say a certain number of words a day?)  I do really like to talk.  Obviously, I don't even care if someone answers me.  I just like to talk.  OH NO!  I just had this horrid thought.  What if in one of my impulsive moments, I start talking to myself while on the bike?  Then everyone in my neighborhood will start talking about the fat woman on a bike who talks to herself.  OH WAIT!  I'll just attach a blue tooth to my helmet and everyone will think that I am very important and don't even have time to take a bike ride without checking in with the office.  (little will they know that when the "office" calls it is usually a clueless child needing help with an algebra problem that I can't see over the telephone or some hungry child wanting to know what is for lunch.  Not really time sensitive material.)

So, now I am thinking about building the perfect bike...good thing I am married to an engineer.

I guess I'll have to save the "moments of pride" discussion for later.  Anyway, pride is not necessarily a good thing.

See ya soon!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Before the beginning...

It occured to me that I really should start with why I am riding my bike.  I confess, it is not for a good reason. 
Yes, I am fat and need to exercise, but that is not why I got on my bike.
Yes, I could definitely stand to have a healthier lifestyle, but that is not why I got on my bike.
Yes, My daughter begs me to ride with her and it would be a great mother-daughter activity, but that is not why I got on my bike.
I did it so that I don't die.  In a moment of pure weakness, I signed up for the Tour de Cure.  My dad and Hannah both have Type 1 diabetes.  So, I have a great interest in finding a cure for the disease, but I could just make a donation.  But, in that moment of weakness, I signed up to ride.  Truly, this was my thought process.  "I like to ride a bike.  Remember the thrill of coasting down a hill with the wind blowing my hair back?  That was cool.  I can do 10 miles.  It's not that far."
THEN, IN A MOMENT OF PURE INSANITY, I said (to myself), "I could do 27.  Its not that much further."  (Obviously math is not my strong suit.)  And suddenly without even realizing it, I had committed my fat body to riding 27 miles while sitting on a very small seat AND (with dreams of coasting in my head), I forgot that the prerequisite to coasting is PEDALING!  That involves activity, perseverance, and exercise.  I am allergic to exercise.  Really and trully.  I break out into a sweat, breathe heavily, and get all hot.  Obvious signs of an allergy.
So, now here I am committed to dying and I am planning my funeral, and I thought, "hmmm....maybe I could, like work up to it.  Like train."  So, in my innocence (or ignorance), I decided to start yesterday.  No forethought.  Another impulsive moment.  Didn't check out my bike.  Honestly thought "oh, the dust will blow away while I ride." 
Ever have this thought...."I am an idiot."???  I had this thought at the end of the driveway, and here is the bad part.  I KEPT GOING!  For 2 whole blocks!  Then, it happened.  The seat shifted.  (shifted = came loose and fell backwards while supporting my fattest parts.)  I very nearly fell.  My first thought was "I'm gonna die sooner than I expected." and my second thought was "did I shave my legs?"  Because, really the only thing I know about bike riders is that they shave their legs so that when they crash there isn't hair in the cuts.  (well I think that is why, it might have something to do with tape and bandages....can't remember.)  So, I screamed and propelled my body forward.  I averted the crash.  (Hmm...maybe I am really a professional biker under all this fat, I mean, I have natural instincts, right?)  So, I turned around.  Madeline laughed at me and rolled her eyes (she's 15).  I huffed and puffed my way back.  Tried to coast up the driveway (it didn't work)  and plopped down while my daughter went to work on fixing my bike and me???  In another fit of impulsive insanity, I put the story on facebook.  Now, I am committed to dying AND training in the public eye.  I have a book deal and a major motion picture on the back burner.  What have I done?

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Beginning

So, I take my bike out for a spin. Got two blocks away and came back. My seat shifted and the only reason why I didn't fall off was my ear piercing scream propelled me forward. Came back to fix it and found a mud dobber nest on my wheel when I tried to air up the tire. Really? I signed up for how many miles on the Tour de Cure?  27?  Can I change my registration?

Things I learned on my bike ride today:
1. Coasting is oh so good.
2. Air in your tires really helps.
3. Bike helmets have totally ruined the biking industry.
4. I will die in September and my Dad and Hannah have to plan my funeral since I riding all for them!

So then, while I was in the shower, I made a decision. I'm going to start a blog detailing my biking adventures. It will be called "Tales of a Fat Biker Mom." It will be so immensely popular that it will be made into a book and a major motion picture. And after I take my husband on a cruise to Alaska, I will donate all of the proceeds to diabetes research.

Now the big question is "Who should play me?"