Monday, April 25, 2011

Week 2 of training

Well, week 1 was not so great.  After my disastrous ride, I never found time to get back on the bike.  Can I just list my excuses and get it over with?  homeschooling 5 kids, preparation for Easter, upcoming graduation, sick grandmother, car in shop, dinners, grocery shopping, and on and on...Ok, I am done now and I feel much better.  Thank you.

Now, for week 2.  I got up super early this morning and my first thought was coffee (it's my first thought every morning.  Nothing happens pre-coffee).  And in a moment of insanity and weekness I thought "I'll ride my bike to Starbucks."  Now, hear is the part I am proud of...I curbed my impulsivity.  Because then I thought "wait, I can't ride my bike pre-coffee.  I could never save myself from another imminent crash."  Plus that, my bike has no cup holder.  Now, at that moment my brain split and had two conversations at one time (please tell me that other people do this too).  One side of my brain said, "Now, why not?  Why can't bikes be more like cars?"  The other side said, "ooh...look at me...I'm being all mature and grown up and curbing my impulses.  This training thing is a good thing for me."

So, the remainder of today's blog will explore these thoughts.  First, why can't a bike be more like a car?  Here are the deficiencies in bikes:
1.  No cup holder.  Now, I know what some of you are thinking.  I'm not talking about that harness thing for a water bottle.  No, I want a genuine cup holder.  The kind that can hold a coffee or a coke with ice.
2.  No air conditioning.  I know that sometimes there is a breeze, but I need real air that cools you down when it takes away the humidity.
3.  Very uncomfortable seats.  No explanation needed.  If you are confused, go sit on your bike for about an hour.  If you are still confused, call your doctor, you may have some dread disease that doesn't allow for feeling in your gluteous maximus.
4.  No radio.  Now, I know some of you are yelling "ipod".  And yes, I agree that an ipod would fix the problem, but those of you that are yelling that must be those kind of people that PLAN things and remember to go and get your ipod.  Not me.  I just act on a whim and jump on my bike and take off. (Actually, doesn't that sound delightful...jump on my bike and take off....kinda like a vacation (which I need badly), but it's not as easy as it sounds.  Trust me, I know.  Read my previous posts.)
5.  No gas pedal.  (Truly, I am serious).  Sometimes, I get tired of pedaling.  I think I'd like to be able to just turn a key and oowie mama, I am off.
6.  Most importantly, bikes are not condusive to conversation.  Which is why I am writing this blog, because by the time I get home I'm behind on the amount of words that I need to say.  (Did you know that women have a NEED to say a certain number of words a day?)  I do really like to talk.  Obviously, I don't even care if someone answers me.  I just like to talk.  OH NO!  I just had this horrid thought.  What if in one of my impulsive moments, I start talking to myself while on the bike?  Then everyone in my neighborhood will start talking about the fat woman on a bike who talks to herself.  OH WAIT!  I'll just attach a blue tooth to my helmet and everyone will think that I am very important and don't even have time to take a bike ride without checking in with the office.  (little will they know that when the "office" calls it is usually a clueless child needing help with an algebra problem that I can't see over the telephone or some hungry child wanting to know what is for lunch.  Not really time sensitive material.)

So, now I am thinking about building the perfect bike...good thing I am married to an engineer.

I guess I'll have to save the "moments of pride" discussion for later.  Anyway, pride is not necessarily a good thing.

See ya soon!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Before the beginning...

It occured to me that I really should start with why I am riding my bike.  I confess, it is not for a good reason. 
Yes, I am fat and need to exercise, but that is not why I got on my bike.
Yes, I could definitely stand to have a healthier lifestyle, but that is not why I got on my bike.
Yes, My daughter begs me to ride with her and it would be a great mother-daughter activity, but that is not why I got on my bike.
I did it so that I don't die.  In a moment of pure weakness, I signed up for the Tour de Cure.  My dad and Hannah both have Type 1 diabetes.  So, I have a great interest in finding a cure for the disease, but I could just make a donation.  But, in that moment of weakness, I signed up to ride.  Truly, this was my thought process.  "I like to ride a bike.  Remember the thrill of coasting down a hill with the wind blowing my hair back?  That was cool.  I can do 10 miles.  It's not that far."
THEN, IN A MOMENT OF PURE INSANITY, I said (to myself), "I could do 27.  Its not that much further."  (Obviously math is not my strong suit.)  And suddenly without even realizing it, I had committed my fat body to riding 27 miles while sitting on a very small seat AND (with dreams of coasting in my head), I forgot that the prerequisite to coasting is PEDALING!  That involves activity, perseverance, and exercise.  I am allergic to exercise.  Really and trully.  I break out into a sweat, breathe heavily, and get all hot.  Obvious signs of an allergy.
So, now here I am committed to dying and I am planning my funeral, and I thought, "hmmm....maybe I could, like work up to it.  Like train."  So, in my innocence (or ignorance), I decided to start yesterday.  No forethought.  Another impulsive moment.  Didn't check out my bike.  Honestly thought "oh, the dust will blow away while I ride." 
Ever have this thought...."I am an idiot."???  I had this thought at the end of the driveway, and here is the bad part.  I KEPT GOING!  For 2 whole blocks!  Then, it happened.  The seat shifted.  (shifted = came loose and fell backwards while supporting my fattest parts.)  I very nearly fell.  My first thought was "I'm gonna die sooner than I expected." and my second thought was "did I shave my legs?"  Because, really the only thing I know about bike riders is that they shave their legs so that when they crash there isn't hair in the cuts.  (well I think that is why, it might have something to do with tape and bandages....can't remember.)  So, I screamed and propelled my body forward.  I averted the crash.  (Hmm...maybe I am really a professional biker under all this fat, I mean, I have natural instincts, right?)  So, I turned around.  Madeline laughed at me and rolled her eyes (she's 15).  I huffed and puffed my way back.  Tried to coast up the driveway (it didn't work)  and plopped down while my daughter went to work on fixing my bike and me???  In another fit of impulsive insanity, I put the story on facebook.  Now, I am committed to dying AND training in the public eye.  I have a book deal and a major motion picture on the back burner.  What have I done?

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Beginning

So, I take my bike out for a spin. Got two blocks away and came back. My seat shifted and the only reason why I didn't fall off was my ear piercing scream propelled me forward. Came back to fix it and found a mud dobber nest on my wheel when I tried to air up the tire. Really? I signed up for how many miles on the Tour de Cure?  27?  Can I change my registration?

Things I learned on my bike ride today:
1. Coasting is oh so good.
2. Air in your tires really helps.
3. Bike helmets have totally ruined the biking industry.
4. I will die in September and my Dad and Hannah have to plan my funeral since I riding all for them!

So then, while I was in the shower, I made a decision. I'm going to start a blog detailing my biking adventures. It will be called "Tales of a Fat Biker Mom." It will be so immensely popular that it will be made into a book and a major motion picture. And after I take my husband on a cruise to Alaska, I will donate all of the proceeds to diabetes research.

Now the big question is "Who should play me?"