Saturday, August 6, 2011

Types of Riders

1.  "Real" riders don't stop for potty breaks.  OK, I get that.  They don't want to stop.  Sometimes there aren't bathrooms near by.  Get that too.  Here is what I don't get..."Real" riders just keep going ...while going.  Get that?  They don't stop.  They just go.  They go to the bathroom on their bike!!!!  Oh gross!  I will NEVER be a "real" rider.  I hope I never ride with a "real" rider. BTW - I don't personally know any "real" riders.

2.  "Red Riders" are riders that ride the Tour de Cure with diabetes.  So they are diagnosed diabetics that are riding.  Now if you don't know much about diabetes, here is a quick crash course.  Exercise causes your blood sugars to go down.  Low blood sugars are bad.  So, riding a bike long distance can be a challenge for diabetics.  Because of this, we are supposed to yell "Go Red Rider" when we pass them on a ride.

3.  Group riders are supposed to communicate.  They are supposed to say "passing on the left" or "car back" or "debris"  or "pothole".  Now this is a problem for me.  Remember that I can barely breathe while I am riding so this communicating thing is difficult.  Today, I should've yelled "debris" to the person behind me, but I couldn't remember the word.  All I could think of was "junk".  I'm hopeless.

4.  Serious riders can change their own tires.  They don't call AAA.  Really.  Today I saw a rider covered in grease from doing bike repairs.  Me?  I don't do maintenance.  I barely know where to find the wheel.  My last experience with chains was in 1973.  Haven't touched one since.  Don't plan on it either.  This is why I am married.  I call him.

5.  Recreational riders are like me.  I am a recreational rider.  I don't get my bike "wet".  I don't have to worry about my blood sugar.  I don't communicate.  I can't change a tire.  I just ride my bike and whine a little.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Well, this weekend is a new chapter in my biking adventure.  Tomorrow, we do our first group ride.  Now, I've never ridden in a group and I suspect that it must be really different.  So, I am very glad that there is going to be a class beforehand. It is called:  "How to Ride in a Group."  Clever, huh?

Good thing I'm not a super competitive person.  A competitive person would have to be the leader of the pack.  That would be a problem because I am not a fast rider (I hear your gasp of surprise).  In fact, if it weren't for the fact that being last could mean I am downwind from the group, I would probably be content to be last.  I like to lolly-gag while I ride.  I'm content to search for yard art.  Here is my current favorite:

Now, some of you might be asking a very good question...downwind?  I'm not talking about drafting (although I think I could REALLY like that).  I'm talking about the downwind that hunters talk about.  We are in Houston.  It is the driest, hottest summer on record.  Dry means no rain, dry does not mean no humidity.  That means people who are outside are sweating.  People who are outside exercising are sweating like pigs.  People who sweat like pigs, smell like pigs.  I'm not joking!  Now, are you imagining the peril of the situation?  That means that there is only one thing to do....well two.  I could stay home in bed OR I could put on my big girl panties, stop whining, and ride faster to escape the biking perfume.

The big question is... what will I do?  Maybe I'll go buy a case of deodorant.  Tune in tomorrow for more details.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I would rather ride 27 miles than....

I decided that I would put my whining into perspective.  I would rather ride 27 miles than...

1.  Run.  We have friends whose son just placed 2nd in a 50K run.  50K?  50K?  I know that I couldn't even run 1K!  I'm not even really sure how long 1K is!  (I did get a kick out of the name of the race "Big Butts".  How fun!)

2. Watch ANY of the "Friday the 13th" movies.  I don't even know how many there are now.  If you know, then you scare me.  I have NO desire to watch them.

3.  Work as a garbage collector.  In Houston today the heat index is predicted to be 110.  Can you imagine riding on the back of a garbage truck in that?  Talk about stinky!  Whew, it makes me gag to think of it.

4.  And speaking of gagging...I rather ride 27 miles than throw up all day long.  My record is 17 times in 12 hours.  My friends call me "The Queen of Vomit"  Once I start, it just won't stop.  I ride anywhere rather than do that again.

5.  Watch my dad and friends poke themselves 5 times a day to check their blood sugar and then give themselves shots.  It's time to find a cure.  Won't you please donate to Tour de Cure?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


So, announcing that you are riding 27 miles in a fundraiser gets some unusual responses.  Here are some of my favorites:

1.  Eyebrows raised with look of incredulation.  Then they suddenly realize that might be rude and try to change their expression (usually not quick enough).
2.  Laughter, out loud.  Then they stop the out loud part, but can't seem to stop the twitching of the lip.
3.  "Ok, so you will be going about 15 miles an hour, so it should take you about 2 hours.  That's not bad."  This was from a professional cyclist.  He obviously doesn't know me.  He doesn't know that I am allergic to exercise and that this whole experience is a lesson from God.  I think it's to teach me to pray more often.
4.  "Oh, piece of cake.  I know lots of people who ride the MS150."  I think:  well good for them,'re going to be sorry you said that when you are at my funeral!!!  The obituary will say, "Death by Bike".
5.   "Good for you!"  followed by a look at my fat and then that smug look.  You know, the one that says "I'm glad I don't have to do that.  I'm naturally skinny." or "Its about time she starting exercising."
6.  "Really, you? Why?"  (These tend to be the people who know me best.)
7.  "Wow, I can't ride a bike anymore.  I had a wreck once and now I'm scared to death of bikes.  You might get hit by a car!"  Gee, that is exactly what I wanted to hear.  That makes me feel sooo motivated.  Kinda makes me think of "The Christmas Story."  "You'll shoot your eye out. (in a sing-song voice)"
8.  "What were you thinking?  You're an intelligent woman!"  Now, this is the one that I relate to the most, because I really don't know what I was thinking.  I am still baffled.  I'm getting somewhat comfortable with 6 miles.  I did 12 once.  Nearly died.
September 24th, mark it your calendar.  It's the day I will die.  REALLY!

I guess at this point, I should post a disclaimer cause some of you are reading this and thinking, "Oh, no!  What did I do when she told me?"  So, here is my disclaimer.  None of these are exact quotes and I wasn't thinking of anyone particular person when I typed it (well except the professional, but he's not my friend.  He was just trying to sell me a bike.)